tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51023812011-12-14T20:52:20.102-06:00death to the infidelsa blog created especially for youChrisnoreply@blogger.comBlogger2341100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-86926727690862445182009-12-24T08:07:00.003-06:002009-12-24T08:14:26.800-06:00OMG, Blogpsammers!Ugh... my comments have been targetted by blogspammers. As far as I know, the way it works is, they spam your comments with bullshit that has links in it, and use that to get their pagerank up. There are several ways to block them, none of them ideal. I've opted for a medium route - comment moderation, which is the same thing Jackie has done on her blog.This is why I'm torn on net anonymity..Chrisnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-7971276644581332122009-12-19T09:07:00.003-06:002009-12-19T09:14:16.928-06:00Christmas with the *name deleted*'sTonight is Christmas at Jaclyn's family's. There will be craziness to spare, but mostly it will be about "You Dirty Rat." Which is a gift-giving game where everyone brings a secret gift and the players take turns picking from under the tree or stealing an already-opened gift from someone else. I've seen it played by others, but no one takes this game as seriously as the *name deleted* family.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-55400330524884480442009-12-19T09:04:00.003-06:002009-12-19T09:07:46.674-06:00It's not New Year's yet, but I've decided to make a New Year's resolution to not post "Sorry I haven't updated in so long", or "in case you were wondering, I'm still alive" posts for another year. Mostly because no one reads this enough to care about who's going to make my enemies list next, or what inane nonsense I've spewed out recently. But I should also try to avoid the "no one reads this Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-91060827977368953482009-03-10T08:46:00.002-05:002009-03-10T08:56:08.199-05:00Somebody has to speak out against the damn honeybee lobby. All I hear lately (or rather, like 1% of what I hear, which is still a pretty big percentage when you count all the whining and work-related crap), is about how the honeybees are going extinct and we have to save them. Bullshit! Bees sting. Sure, it's cute for your young children to dress up as honeybees for Halloween - we get it. Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-22427540601469064822008-09-12T08:58:00.003-05:002008-09-12T09:01:09.127-05:00Disappointed that the entire world hasn't leapt either backwards or forwards in time due to the Large Hadron Collider? Yeah, me too. Even the end of the world might have been interesting, although there's no science that says that's even a remote possibility. The time travel thing seems almost certain, if I am to believe all of the science fiction books and movies I've seen. It's okay though,Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-72023308586493174472008-07-23T07:44:00.002-05:002008-07-23T07:49:07.879-05:00And another thing... Who in the hell even eats an English muffin without cutting it in half first? Do we really need the option of pre-cut or non pre-cut English muffins? My wife (and I believe the English muffin industry) calls the usually ones fork-split, so by extension the ones that cause rage when you accidentally grab them at the grocery store are non-fork-split. And they are the worst Chrisnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-40073773287806005012008-07-20T23:09:00.002-05:002008-07-20T23:24:08.687-05:00I hear a lot about how Barack Obama is supposedly "elitist", and that's why people don't want to vote for him. And I wonder, what the hell does that mean? Well, the other day, I finally figured it out. See, in this country, black men are expected to be uneducated thugs, possibly crack heads, and preferred attire should involve a "do rag" of some sort. Therefore, when a white man, particularlyChrisnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-10104158996715248612008-06-04T08:24:00.003-05:002008-06-11T23:40:34.878-05:00So I installed Ubuntu Linux on Jackie's PC the other day... For anyone reading this, I highly recommend it. Actually, that's not strong enough... Ubuntu is the greatest thing ever! =)When Jackie's computer crashed (for about the 5th time in as many days), we made the decision to wipe it and reinstall everything. Everything, originally, was to include Windows 2000, MS Office, Adobe Photoshop,Chrisnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-74050558387348848902008-05-22T06:53:00.002-05:002008-05-22T07:01:49.099-05:00So I had a dream last night that I was watching the British version of the Simpsons. In this dream, the British version was the original, and it was live action, maybe even black and white. The father had two sons, and he was a "simp", so that's why they named the show The Simpsons - the show was really about the two kids getting into trouble. It's like a pun, or a palindrome, or something Chrisnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-6803336329290804692007-10-29T09:43:00.000-05:002007-10-29T09:48:32.738-05:00Ugh!We are painting the house, little by little, and I have just ripped the tape off of the 1/2 of my office that is now painted. First, when people tell you that the "blue" tape won't rip off paint when you take it off, they are fucking liars. My ceiling, near the walls, is now a mottled white, yellow (from the drywall compound under the white paint), and green (from where the roller hit the Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-61124425540732851262007-09-20T08:28:00.000-05:002007-09-20T08:33:58.388-05:00Trying to lose weight? I've got a plan for you. It's called the lazy man's diet. Say you're hungry, but you don't have any food in your hand right now... Not really worth the effort to go get up, find some food, and then move your teeth around and around chewing it up. Why not just skip it and lie on the couch instead? See? It really works.Okay, now it's later, and you're more hungry. Chrisnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-17969586501884737242007-09-07T00:43:00.001-05:002007-09-07T00:52:09.517-05:00I've decided to make a game out of saying "gynecology" to Jackie as often as possible. Also, "gyno". See her blog.You know what's always bugged me? When people (well, women) say they are going to the OB/GYN, it's supposed to be an abbreviation for obstetrician-slash-gynecologist. But they don't shorten it down and say "objin", they still spell out the abbreviation "oh-bee gee-why-en", which Chrisnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-63479126809600587562007-08-26T08:14:00.001-05:002007-08-26T08:21:50.855-05:00So there are these ads for AT&T Yellow Pages, where people are like, "Dex, where can I get lights for my chandelier," and "Dex, how do I get cum-stains out of a prom dress?" The answers aren't, "duh, the hardware store and the cleaner, you cheap whore," but more like, "Dick's Chandelier Light Replacement, 555-1234", and "Patti's No-Tell Dry-Cleaners, 555-5678". And I'm like, "double-yu tee eff,Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-24346593444729970192007-08-20T19:36:00.001-05:002007-08-20T20:01:57.520-05:00I hate Chase Bank. I really do. I have a feeling that it's not really their fault. They're just afraid because of the recent rash of stolen credit card information, and they're taking it out on me, implementing idiotic half-assed security features that don't work and just lock me out of my fucking account.You see, everytime I log into my credit card account to pay my bill, they think that I'm Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-25357448281895441082007-07-14T08:37:00.000-05:002007-07-14T08:51:40.570-05:00I'm pretty sure that there's a Great Dental Conspiracy afoot. But I'm not entirely sure what it is.Here are a few of the facts:a) Dentists hate popcorn. It's true. When you get braces - it's "no gum or popcorn". Caps? No popcorn. I got a permanent retainer that holds my bottom teeth in place - no popcorn. What, I'm supposed to not eat popcorn again for the rest of my life? That's Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-29760268299784677682007-03-09T00:15:00.000-06:002007-03-09T00:43:28.265-06:00You know what else grinds my gears? When people diss the weatherman, saying, "oh, it must be nice to never have to be right" or "if I was only right 30% of the time at my job, I'd be fired." Oh, that makes sense, if your job is to PREDICT THE FUCKING FUTURE.I admit, if your job were to, say, remember what color Buick a customer ordered 37 seconds ago, then yes, you should probably be right moreChrisnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-47703659837256258022007-03-05T23:00:00.000-06:002007-03-05T23:10:51.752-06:00Working in a retail environment, I get a lot of annoying phone calls during the day. Usually they're looking for some item that we don't have and isn't imported to the United States, but they somehow expect me to procure it for them. Those ones are okay. Selling things to people is my job - well, part of it anyway. Here's a call from today:Lady: Hi, I have a recipe that calls for sherry, and Chrisnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-33573237861232039182007-02-23T13:42:00.000-06:002007-02-23T13:44:16.988-06:00Okay, I finally migrated my blog over to the new blogger. I don't know what this means, and I'm not entirely sure what powerful new features it will grant me. Increase my killing power, eh? Anyway, blogger should have it's own comments now, so I'm testing to see if it adds its own comments, and what happens to backblog's comments on a new post...Chrisnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1171905694469519822007-02-19T11:20:00.000-06:002007-02-19T11:22:04.586-06:00I had an idea for Jackie's prospective client letter at the bank: "Open a loan with us and we'll pleasure you orally*." Then in small print: "*by 'orally', we mean telling you that you got the loan." Brilliant!Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1171552456127884242007-02-15T09:10:00.000-06:002007-02-15T09:16:23.686-06:00This looks like a hell of a cool roleplaying game: Kill Puppies for Satan.I'm sure Dax would like it, but I'm not going to tell him about it. He'll have to read about it here. And if he doesn't read my blog, it serves him fucking right. He'll miss out on something that he would have enjoyed. And that's the best revenge of all. Or is that "living well".Funniest thing I heard all week: "Yahoo Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1171213636981539352007-02-11T11:04:00.000-06:002007-02-11T11:07:16.993-06:00I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday for a tax preparation company. It was something like, "Here at Pat Jones, our tax preparers are all certified public accounts, and they always give you 150% of their support."And I'm like, "no thanks, I'll go with an accountant who knows math..."Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1170917607491836602007-02-08T00:43:00.000-06:002007-02-08T00:53:27.506-06:00"Is it too much if I ask, tentatively, that we agree to look upon (the Earth) as a circus, a touring carnival wandering about the sun for a record season of four billion years and producing new monsters and miracles, hoaxes and bloody mishaps, wonders and blunders, but never quite entertaining the customers well enough to prevent them from leaving, one by one, and returning to their homes for a Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1170437991925305792007-02-02T11:27:00.000-06:002007-02-02T11:45:51.330-06:00So, my mother sent me an email today with this image:Now, I'm a big Bears fan, but this strikes me as a ridiculous example of douchebaggery. So, I sent her back an email with the following images:VS.Notice the alphabet blocks that say "HUGS". Isn't that just the cutest thing?Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1170430728883006522007-02-02T09:34:00.000-06:002007-02-02T09:38:48.896-06:00I went to Baker's Square yesterday for lunch, and I'm pretty sure I'm not willing to eat there again. I think it's because of the smoking ban. See, normally, we sit in the smoking area, and if someone else isn't already filling the area with smoke, we normally do that ourselves. But now, because there's no lingering haze of smoke in the air, the place really smells gross. If you thought old Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169998001756264142007-01-28T09:12:00.000-06:002007-01-28T09:26:41.770-06:00There's something that confuses me. Okay, several things, but this is one of them: Those cell phone plans where you pick 5 people and can make unlimited calls to them.See, a lot of phone companies allow you free calling to other members of the same service. This makes sense. When you use a Verizon Phone to call someone on Verizon, your call only travels through their network. If you call Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169868442951196852007-01-26T21:12:00.000-06:002007-01-26T21:31:40.126-06:00A Superb Example of Customer ServiceOkay, so, at work today, a guy called, and the first thing he said was, "I'm sorry I have to even make this call..."Oh good, I thought, so this will be a fun one. It turns out that he was complaining because the customer in front of him in line asked for anchovy-stuffed olives, and this guy had to wait 30 seconds while JB ran to the back of the store to grab Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169398493995280172007-01-21T10:45:00.000-06:002007-01-21T10:55:34.316-06:00Try an experiment. Ask a male friend a question, something completely outside his sphere of expertise. Will you get an answer? Chances are, you will. The male friend is exhibiting behavior known as Male Answer Syndrome. It's the compulsion by many individuals (mostly men, but sometimes women) to answer questions readily, regardless of knowledge.—Jean Godden, "Males Have the Answers, Even if TheyChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169396553530344642007-01-21T10:18:00.000-06:002007-01-21T10:24:25.760-06:00So yesterday, on my way to work, I noticed that my rear defroster had turned off. It always does that after a certain amount of time, so I reached down and hit the button. Immediately, the defroster went on and my radio turned off. That's odd, I thought, so I hit the button a few more times, toggling it on, off, on, off... and toggling the radio off, on, off, on. I turned the defroster off, Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169396222894371762007-01-21T10:09:00.000-06:002007-01-21T10:17:02.906-06:00"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound — with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." — S. Colbert, 2006Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1169053146593012872007-01-17T10:55:00.000-06:002007-01-17T10:59:06.623-06:00This is the saddest thing I've seen in a while:It's fake, of course, but still sad.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1168970152421501132007-01-16T11:54:00.000-06:002007-01-16T11:55:52.433-06:00Eugene Styles is on vacation today. In his absence, please enjoy this encore presentation of a classic Death to the Infidels:So Jackie's mom has a very strict policy about leaving crayon-written post-it notes around the house. I think the policy goes something along the lines of, "if there isn't a note there, put one there". Notes about what TV shows to watch, reminders to clip coupons and Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1168669990465630372007-01-13T00:32:00.000-06:002007-01-13T00:33:10.480-06:00Backblog, which hosts my comments, has been sold. I think that may have something to do with the fact that my comments don't work. Bah. I like comments.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1168619893376186822007-01-12T10:20:00.000-06:002007-01-12T10:38:13.396-06:00I'm thinking about writing a book called "Things That Are Funnier Than Other Things."It's for people who are writing or telling a joke - they can stop and flip through my book and make appropriate substitutions to hilarify their joke by up to 50% (guaranteed, or your money back). For example...- in Animals: Titmouse is funnier than Mongoose, which is funnier than Anteater. So then Joe walks in,Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1168410023064225932007-01-10T00:13:00.000-06:002007-01-10T00:20:23.066-06:00Tell your friends. I'm getting the old blog back together. The Cheapass Chef, the Enemies List, random exposition of strange dreams, Deep Thoughts, Sneaky Pete, Weasly Joe, the whole gang. Maybe a few new Featured Spots as well. Does it make it sound classier when I call my random shit and verbal diarrhea "Features", or does it just sound pretentious? Wait, don't answer that. Also, don't Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1168352491529104372007-01-09T07:59:00.000-06:002007-01-21T10:18:11.800-06:00Part I of a new DttI fiction series, Obituaries of Unfamous People.It's an old picture of my dad. His hair is still a sandy blonde, and it still covers a small purchase at the top of his forehead. Next to him is Lenny - even at the time of the picture they've known each other almost 20 years - wearing a blue pull-over windbreaker and pointing. You can only see his back and arm, and my dad is Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1146290782445870772006-04-29T01:04:00.000-05:002006-04-29T01:06:22.453-05:00a) I'm not really going to California despite any other information you may have heard to the contrary, e.g. the blog entry conveniently located an inch below this one.b) I got married and went on my honeymoon. Now I'm back, and tired.I could explain more, but jackie wrote a 6 part expose this afternoon while I played video games. Go over to her blog and enjoy!Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1143646038346857052006-03-29T09:18:00.000-06:002006-03-29T09:27:18.433-06:00Well, it's official... I might be moving to California. On the plus side, the money's good, the weather is nice, and there's plenty to do within driving distance. Plus, this may be my last chance to get a job in programming. It's been pretty impossible for the last few years, and now that I've been out of the field for so long, there's not much likelihood of my getting hired. I had pretty Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1141759763647231272006-03-07T13:23:00.000-06:002006-03-07T13:31:08.786-06:00We went to the courthouse today to get our marriage license, and I must say... I had no idea it could be such a terrifying process. The lady behind the counter was very officious, and... well, have you ever had someone ask you a question, and just when you're breathing in to answer, they ask you again? And then before you can answer, they clarify the question like you're a 2-year-old, and then Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1140682320179449402006-02-23T02:03:00.000-06:002006-02-23T02:12:00.190-06:00The other day, I had the opportunity to take a photo with Billy Williams (no, not Billy Dee Williams, also known as Lando Calrissian; the other Billy Williams, Hall of Fame outfielder for the Chicago Cubs). I stood next to him and he put his arm around my shoulder and Jackie snapped a photo with my camera phone. I grabbed the phone from her, looked at the picture while waving absentmindedly Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1139433731156020372006-02-08T15:22:00.000-06:002006-02-08T15:22:11.166-06:00Okay, another episode of the mildly retarded chef here. I just made meatloaf stuffed with mushrooms and glazed BBBQ Sauce (the extra B is for bring your own BBBQ sauce). It was freakishly good. Here's how you do it...Mix up about 1.5 lbs of ground meat (you're supposed to use a mixture of beef and pork, but I went with all beef), with 1 egg, about a cup of plain breadcrumbs, one green onion (Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1138416481320267732006-01-27T20:46:00.000-06:002006-01-27T20:48:01.330-06:00If you were in Vegas, and you remember the Megadog, you should totally buy this. Or at least marvel at its glory.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1138035452105484032006-01-23T10:57:00.000-06:002006-01-23T10:57:32.116-06:00The soon-to-be-the-old-ball-and-chain and I recently bought Quantum Leap, season 2 on DVD. We already owned season 1. The best part about season 2 is that it has like 26 episodes on it - each an hour long. Season 1 only had like 9.Now, I'm a huge fan of Quantum Leap. But the thing I never realized was how freakin' funny it is. For example, when Sam leaps into a Mexican immigrant, all the Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1137419673894164642006-01-16T07:49:00.000-06:002006-01-16T07:54:35.306-06:00The shower this morning was a blood bath.That sounds like a good way to start off an entry. I stepped into the shower and turned on the water, and as I looked down, drops of blood started flowing. The usual response to a nose bleed would be to stuff tissue paper in your nose, but that's not really an option when you're soaking wet. So I clamped the bridge of my nose and tried to avoid flickingChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1136566102159819412006-01-06T10:45:00.000-06:002006-01-06T16:33:55.340-06:00Chris: Oh, Lou Rawls died. Jackie: Yeah.Chris: I think I know who that is, but I always get Lou Rawls confused with Lou Reed. Jackie: I always get Lou Reed confused with Donna Reed. Chris: I get Donna Reed confused with Donna Summers. Jackie: I always get Donna Summers confused with... summer... the season. Chris: That's funny, I always confuse summer, the season with the Four Seasons.JackieChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1136000232789216592005-12-30T21:29:00.000-06:002005-12-30T21:37:12.800-06:00Yesterday, I had a mild toothache. Today, I have a tooth in a bag and a Wendy's Frosty. See, I had this tooth, it was a wisdom tooth and it came in looking sort of like a pie with a sliver cut out of it. That was about 2 years ago. Little by little, more of the pie was being eaten, by bacteria or stomach acids, or whatever. So two weeks ago, my tooth looked more like a crescent moon, and it Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1135610878248645022005-12-26T09:17:00.000-06:002005-12-26T09:27:58.260-06:00It was a good Christmas. I think the people we got gifts for were relatively happy with them, and we got some awesome gifts ourselves. Waterford Crystal cake knife - very nice. Set of poker chips - sweet. Pirates of the Carribean, Red Dwarf book, Crowded House CD, Leather Jacket (it says World Poker Tour on it, which keeps it from being a "nice" jacket - meaning that it wouldn't work when Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1135400825276163622005-12-23T23:01:00.000-06:002005-12-23T23:07:05.290-06:00I got home from work about a half-hour ago. It was the busiest day in the history of our store (going by sales numbers and customer count). I'm a little tired. So I'm going to do something that I don't do often - post a link on my blog. This is something that I stumbled on, and it puts into words something that I believe fairly strongly in. It's sort of a "power of positive" thinking thing, Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1134780357836095092005-12-16T18:39:00.000-06:002005-12-16T18:45:57.846-06:00Here are several hot topics that I will not be covering in depth, mostly because they have already been covered to death in other forums:"Happy Holidays" v. "Merry Christmasthe ongoing War/Insurgency/Funny Hat Party/Whatever in IraqBush is a dickheadChristmas shopping sucksthat poor boy who was crushed by a 747 and his poor familyTerrell Owens is a dickheadBluetooth, and how it was "new Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1134668316947463202005-12-15T11:25:00.000-06:002005-12-15T11:43:55.880-06:00Jackie has gotten it into her head that she would like to move to Indianapolis. Granted, you can get a 3-bedroom single-family home in Indy for half the price of a shitty run-down townhouse in the Chicago suburbs. That's a plus. And granted, I *do* like Indianapolis, though it does have the misfortune of being stuck in the middle of Indiana. And, well... you know, when I think about it, why *Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1134545225792214892005-12-14T01:06:00.000-06:002005-12-14T01:35:05.500-06:00Okay, new beginning. If you're upset that my blog hasn't been published in a long time, you could, of course, have read the hilarious archives - several years of them, each more something than the next. I've allotted approximately 7 months for you to get tired of the archives. In TV, this is called "reruns". Now that anyone who might have had any interest in reading my blog has gotten pissed Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1121314939261702632005-07-13T23:18:00.000-05:002005-07-13T23:22:19.266-05:00In the last three days, I have eaten Crabmeat Pesto Ravioli, Orange & Mint Marinated Beef Round, and Broiled Tilapia with Tomato and Feta Cheese. It's crazy. The first two were prepared by myself, and the other by my assistant, the lovely Jaclyn. These meals were, for the most part, accompanied by a nice side dish of veggies, a bottle of wine, and a small healthy dessert. It's all part of an Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1120781749860658362005-07-07T19:11:00.000-05:002005-07-07T19:15:49.866-05:00I like green beans, really I do. But the problem is, I like my green beans to be buttery. But butter doesn't really stick to a bean very well, so they usually end up tasting kind of watery and bland. So I've thought of a way to fix this problem. See, if the bean had a little bit of butter on the inside, it would have no choice but to melt when cooked and stay in there so you get a nice mixed Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1119541670011042462005-06-23T10:47:00.000-05:002005-06-23T10:47:50.016-05:00So, I'm creating a new wedding website. You know, for the whole wedding thing that's happening next April 21st. And I know it sounds like a stupid idea, but suddenly it hit me that I'd rather make one website than have to field a hundred more phone calls asking, "so where is the hall again, and do we have a group rate at any hotel, and how do I get from the hotel to the church, and what if I Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1117345970027790322005-05-29T00:26:00.000-05:002005-05-29T00:52:50.056-05:00So I had heard about Blockbuster's "Say Goodbye to Late Fees" policy, and I had also heard some vague mention about a lawsuit being filed by a few people who hadn't read the fine print that if you kept a movie for more than a week past the due date you were considered to have bought it. But today was the first time I had rented from them since that policy went into effect. It turns out that you Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1115906379111738632005-05-12T08:42:00.000-05:002005-05-12T09:08:23.706-05:00So, I went back to work yesterday, despite the fact that my belly still looks like this: It was a little excruciating. For one thing, everybody telling me to take it easy and sit down infuriated me into working a lot. I even lifted a case of beer into someone's cart for them (to be fair, it was only 3/4ths of a case, and I tested to make sure it didn't hurt before picking it all the way up), Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1115386784447328712005-05-06T08:34:00.000-05:002005-05-06T08:39:44.453-05:00If anyone knows how to remove surgical tape easily and without pain, please let me know... quickly. :-*Freakin' doctor pulled out the tube that was connceted to my abdomen (without anesthesia, let me add - just snipped the stitch and yanked on it while I felt a sickening sliding feeling in my belly), then taped on a piece of gauze to contain any "leaking" that might occur. Then, in order to hold Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1115119044113183202005-05-03T06:12:00.000-05:002005-05-03T06:19:40.080-05:00So this guy Zell Miller was on The Daily Show last night. It seems he wrote this book, A Deficit of Decency. I heard the title and I thought, "hey, that sounds right. there is a deficit of decency in America."People are mean to each other, everybody's always in a big hurry, companies and individuals are always out to make a quick buck rather than help out those less fortunate. Working in a Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1114746151724034222005-04-28T22:32:00.000-05:002005-04-28T22:42:31.726-05:00So, I'm scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. But I'm not sure I really need to go. See, the doctor gave me this 6-page pamphlet called "The Gall Bladder Surgery Book". I've been studying the diagrams pretty carefully, and I'm pretty sure I can handle it. The book says that gall bladder surgery is one of the most routine kinds of surgery, so how can I go wrong. All I need is a scalpel, one of Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1114262381449505522005-04-23T08:06:00.000-05:002005-04-23T18:41:08.023-05:00This just in, you can now email the Pope. Send him your prayers, blessings, penguin porn spam, and the list of 30 humorous ways that men are different from women (like "women leave the toilet seat down, while men leave the toilet seat up"). But did you also know that the Pope has an AIM handle too? I saw him on last night and gave him a buzz.EugeneStyles: you there?EggzB3n3dictus: of course Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1113407272006765942005-04-13T10:45:00.000-05:002005-04-13T10:47:52.006-05:00infidels.blogspot.com is a Collosal Moth that has a Swirly Hypnotic Gaze and Prehensile Eyes, carries a Samurai Sword, and is Radioactive.(Strength: 10 Agility: 2 Intelligence: 8)Unleash your Giant Battle Monster.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1113278216152638222005-04-11T22:56:00.000-05:002005-04-11T22:57:25.236-05:00Cockmaster - One who rears game-cocksChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1112975523326595212005-04-08T10:51:00.000-05:002005-04-08T10:52:03.326-05:00An oldie but a goodie: http://www.thefrown.com/wearerobots/angrybot.htmlChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1112802656599319722005-04-06T10:43:00.000-05:002005-04-06T10:50:56.600-05:00Biliary colic. That's what I have. What seems to be the problem? Well, it "seems" like everything on my insides wants to be on my outsides. How would I rate my pain? Two enthusiastic thumbs up, medical event of the year. Umm... if you're never seen Brian Regan, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Take it from me, he's a funny stand up comic. And he has a nice little bit about emergency Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1112287966877843512005-03-31T10:45:00.000-06:002005-03-31T10:54:05.780-06:00Allergies, good god, what are they good for? Absolutely nothin'. I'll say it again...Ugh, I sneezed about 30 times in a row this morning, not to mention filling a toilet with snot (well, that's a lovely image). It's all because flowers and trees get horny this time of year and start spewing around their juices and such, and some of us happen to be allergic to tree sperm in our noses. That's why Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1111164410963649822005-03-18T10:39:00.000-06:002005-03-18T10:46:50.963-06:00Have you ever been doubled over, writhing in pain and you take some medicine and read the back of the box and it says, "usually produces results in 6 to 12 hours". That sucks, man. Really. That's about the time you want to drink the bottle of bleach that says it works in minutes. Removes stains, dissolves your esophagus, whatever.This weekend the J and I are going up to Door County, WisconsinChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1107068678597888602005-01-30T01:01:00.000-06:002005-01-30T01:04:38.596-06:00How many different punctuation marks are there? Like maybe 10, max? Because it strikes me as odd that out of that 10 (give or take), 3 of them make me think of blood: slash, colon, and, of course, period.
Four, if you count the semicolon, cause let's face it, a half of a colon would probably bleed more than a whole one.
Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1105838384248476052005-01-15T19:19:00.000-06:002005-01-15T19:19:44.246-06:00Love is... turning the other way when you burp.
Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1105591091302040262005-01-12T22:32:00.000-06:002005-01-12T22:45:17.800-06:00I hate people with camera phones. They are annoying, always taking pictures and offering to email them to you. Like you really want a picture of their cat taken with a low-resolution piece of crap phone camera. Well, I am now one of those people. I don't have a cat, so here's a picture of my beer:
That's a Left Hand Imperial Stout. $13 bottle of beer. It was good, I liked it. I liked it so Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1105139700657093732005-01-07T17:03:00.000-06:002005-01-07T17:15:00.656-06:00So I built most of jackie's computer yesterday. Then I felt like crap this morning so I called in sick and finished the computer. It's a gem. Some helpful hints if you're ever building a computer:
1) AMD gets you more bang-for-the-buck than Intel, but AMD chips run very hot, so Intel chips are likely to last longer. Since most computers are obsolete before they're broken, I like AMD.
2) Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1104857897567142392005-01-04T10:44:00.000-06:002005-01-04T10:58:17.566-06:00D to the I Movie Review
Jackie was watching "Chasing Liberty" the other day, so I watched most of it in between looking at GameFAQs for Super Smash Brothers and making myself dinner. And I must say, I was pleasantly suprised. Not by how good the movie was. The movie was crap. I was pleasantly surprised because Mandy Moore takes her clothes of in the movie. Okay, she's got a face like a big Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1104639962364930152005-01-01T22:16:00.000-06:002005-01-02T18:23:09.586-06:00Today's word of the day: svelte - slender, lithe, having clean lines, sleek; can also mean urbane or suave.
It came to my attention today that I did not know the meaning of this word, hence word of the day. Jackie, on the other hand, didn't know the meaning of melee, so I think I win. And by win, I mean kick her ass at Super Smash Brothers Melee. Which we just got. As a New Years present. Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1104427357522722562004-12-30T11:21:00.000-06:002004-12-30T11:22:37.523-06:00January 1st, it's blogging as you've never seen before. Or as you've seen just one time before. Okay, well, several times, but only in one place. Here.
Anyway, Death to the Infidels returns, Jan 1.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1094660912668443182004-09-08T11:22:00.000-05:002004-09-10T11:16:25.146-05:00I would like to blog more often. I would like to be the king of my own little blogging microverse, and spew witty comments like so much spoiled chicken soup. My problem is that I have nothing to say. I have started a new job (again!), this time as a retail manager in a large liquor store (for people who have never been in my liquor store, imagine a grocery store, but instead of an aisle sayingChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1091536241886372332004-08-03T07:26:00.000-05:002004-08-03T07:33:36.533-05:00Have you found Jesus yet? I mean, I know you were looking for him, and how hard could it be to find him? I mean, he's like, a whole person. How do you lose a whole person?
Maybe if you went back to the last place you had him and retrace your steps. That's what I do whenever I lose something. Like that time I lost my brother at the mall, and I had to go back to Baskin Robbins and ask them Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1091497106348880802004-08-02T20:35:00.000-05:002004-08-02T20:38:26.346-05:00I realize that I have a very small bladder. I find myself getting up ever 10 minutes at work to use the washroom if I so much as drink half a can of pepsi. It's ri-goddamn-diculous.
That reminds me, for no good reason, of footballs. I think they used to (or still) make them out of pig's bladders. I suppose they could make a ping-pong ball out of my bladder. But it probably wouldn't bounce Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1091211228461488502004-07-30T13:10:00.000-05:002004-07-30T13:13:48.460-05:00This just in... My blog (this page that you are now looking at) has a Google PageRank of 4. That's out of 10, and it may not sound very impressive, but Jackie's blog only has a PR of 3. How about some of those apples, baby! Also, www.jimkayassociates.com, where I work, and www.sportyscatering.com, which I designed, only have PR's of 3. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to get Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1091143529241085742004-07-29T18:04:00.000-05:002004-07-29T18:28:20.760-05:00You may have been wondering where I've been for the past month and a half. Well, probably not, because the person that reads this blog is in an ideal position to know where I've been for the past month and a half (she sleeps in my room... well, most of the time). Anyway, the short answer is that I was abducted by aliens. The long answer involves an explanation of why my posterior hurts so muchChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1087340527662015012004-06-15T17:57:00.000-05:002004-06-15T18:02:07.663-05:00I want to buy a karaoke machine. I thought Jackie was on board with this, but she's fighting me on it. I mean, I'm willing to pay for it myself. Which doesn't mean much since we share a bank account. I guess it has something to do with this thing degenerating to her and I singing retarded love songs back and forth to each other while drinking Jack & Cokes alone in our den and slumping down Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1086017767509113892004-05-31T10:29:00.000-05:002004-05-31T10:36:07.510-05:00There's a place in Memphis where they serve Burgers cooked in 100 year old grease. Every night, they strain the grease, get rid of all the gook and gristle... everything that's perishable really. It's perfectly safe, really. At least I assume it is. Fryer grease is a hydrocarbon, just like petroleum (in fact, you can run Diesel cars on fryer grease, just ask Djo), and petroleum doesn't break Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1085408733878375202004-05-24T09:15:00.000-05:002004-05-24T09:25:33.876-05:00I put together a little chest of drawers/bedside table from Ikea last night. Jesus christ, this thing was like putting together the space shuttle, only instead of those O-rings, it had tiny little wheels with tiny little screws that had no holes to be screwed into. They expected you to not only screw those little bastards directly into the wood, but they also expected you to put them on Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1085325391335315792004-05-23T10:11:00.000-05:002004-05-23T10:16:31.336-05:00Two days until moving day and I'm not even packed. I have a feeling this is going to be a big fiasco. We're gonna end up with stuff in our apartment that we've never seen before, and we're gonna lose all of our stuff. "Honey, where is our couch?" "I think it's behind the waterfall." "No, I already looked there?" "Well ask the hobo." "When the fuck did we get a hobo?"
Yeah, I'm sure that'sChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1084626905033906432004-05-15T08:09:00.000-05:002004-05-15T16:08:37.373-05:00Today we paint, tomorrow we die
3 gallons of paint, 3 painting trays, several rollers, 6 or 7 roller sleeves (3/8" nap), 2 paintbrushes, several tarps borrowed from the old man, and a couple of 47¢ painters caps. It doesn't seem like enough, somehow. Something seems to be missing - oh yeah, a plan. T-minus 50 minutes until we have scheduled ourselves to start painting, and we're not even sureChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1082986895878179772004-04-26T08:41:00.000-05:002004-04-26T08:45:42.000-05:00So I took my dad to go see the Chicago Rush yesterday. Arena football. It was... well... interesting. It reminded me of nothing so much as a game of Baseketball (like the movie from Matt Stone and Trey Parker). In that it was like a madeup sport that combines other sports. They play with 7 guys on the field, there is no out-of-bounds, there's a hell of a lot of scoring, and the penalties Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1082036173394586942004-04-15T08:36:00.000-05:002004-04-15T08:40:04.983-05:00This just in... Columbo is selling stories now. And Dee, whom most of you probably don't know, is getting a PhD. The world is a strange, strange place. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess having a beer or two would be a good start. But then again, it's 8:30 in the morning... I'm so torn.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1081907106836213102004-04-13T20:45:00.000-05:002004-04-13T20:48:56.170-05:00Dubuya was on TV today. It was kind of like watching a clown-show, only the clown was being bludgeoned from one side to the other by malicious apes with baseball bats. What struck me most was his claim that the "War on Terror" is a war that can be won. I drifted off a little after that, but I believe he went on to promise an upcoming "War on Sadness", followed by mobilized offensives against Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1080703086125269512004-03-30T21:18:00.000-06:002004-03-30T21:21:37.403-06:00Tonight, I have been drinking in moderation (surprise, surprise! not to excess tonight), and watching TV. Mostly Star Trek TNG reruns. I watched the episode where there are two Rikers, and another one with some "temporal anomalies". Temporal Anomaly is a great term, because it can explain anything.
"Weren't you going to pick me up after class today?"
"Temporal anomaly."
"Didn't I see Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1080176225161772512004-03-24T18:57:00.000-06:002004-03-24T19:05:42.640-06:00Back by poopular demand
One might wonder why I haven't posted in 3 weeks (I say 'one' because it's highly unlikely that two or more persons wondered or cared). One might also wonder why the sky is blue (it isn't, right now... I would probably call it a speckled black, if, of course, I were outside to see it), or why grass grows up. This is as futile as asking the Zen monk, "why is a tree?", Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1078340562027060402004-03-03T13:02:00.000-06:002004-03-03T13:05:37.436-06:00I'm not usually much for posting links to news stories on my blog. Or links of any kind, really. Not that there's anything wrong with blogging the news. This just isn't that sort of blog. But this one is freakin' great: couchbike. And I guess it's more of a journal than a news story.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1078110498569682342004-02-29T21:08:00.000-06:002004-02-29T21:12:41.280-06:00The Oscar's are on now. I have three questions:
Is anyone else surprised that Bob Hope is dead? I mean, every year I think he's dead, only to find out that he's celebrating his 100th birthday, or becoming the oldest man to walk on the moon, or dancing the jig with Sophia Loren in some sort of grotesque Mardi Gras reenactment from the 40's. But yeah, he's dead now.
In other Oscar-related newsChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1077714925031303372004-02-25T07:15:00.000-06:002004-02-25T07:18:49.356-06:00(sung) Oh, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. It takes two-oo drums to make the world move. Some other world might take one drum to move, but not this world, this world takes two. It takes, diff'rent strokes to move the world, yes it does. It takes, two drums to move the world.Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1077628512829339162004-02-24T07:15:00.000-06:002004-02-24T07:17:57.170-06:00More in the "Chris is broken" saga... I threw my back out Sunday, getting out of my chair. Yep, that's right. I broke myself by standing up. Sigh. When will it all end?
You know, when I go, I'd like it to be a meteor that kills me. That way, people can ask my grieving widow, "how did he die?", she'll say, "he got struck by a meteor", and then they'll have to stifle an inappropriate laughChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1077283076494670552004-02-20T07:17:00.000-06:002004-02-20T07:20:35.513-06:00Last night, my tongue was swollen up to the size of a, well, of something large that could still, barely, fit inside my mouth. It was like a large, useless slab of beef that, on top of everything, also hurt like a motherfucker. Nothing I tried helped much. Cough drops, mouthwash, gargling with salt water, sucking on an ice cube, crying. Nothing. It was horrible. It's still swollen a bit Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1076944147018208142004-02-16T09:09:00.000-06:002004-02-16T09:13:19.966-06:00On Saturday night I made lump crab cakes and lobster bisque. Neither turned out perfect, but they weren't too bad. The tartar sauce was nasty. I need to figure out what kind of sauce they use at that french restaurant we like to go to.
Nothing much more from microsoft. The talent scout wrote me back saying that not having a degree wasn't necessarily a problem, and asked for an updated resumeChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1076428789985924402004-02-10T09:59:00.000-06:002004-02-10T10:02:19.013-06:00So I got an email this morning, purportedly from a talent scout at microsoft, asking me if I had considered the earlier email she sent me and if I would like to take a position at microsoft. Right, I thought, this is probably one of those scams where they pretend they're recruiters to get personal information from you, and then try to get your social security number, bank account (for Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1076301067488793792004-02-08T22:31:00.000-06:002004-02-08T22:33:31.216-06:00We did nothing today. Nothing. We watched about 6 hours of friends, I read 4 pages of the book I'm trying to get through, and I did about 30 minutes worth of work searching Monster.com for resumes for a job that I need to send out candidates for tomorrow. I also ate a chicken cordon bleu, a bagel, and some cheezits. I made a pot of coffee, which I drank, along with a can of Pepsi One, 2 Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1076025876032290242004-02-05T18:04:00.000-06:002004-02-05T18:06:55.903-06:00I have a new computer at work. It's a fast little sumbitch. 2.5 GHz, with a CD RW, 40GB hard drive, and an "IBM Extreme 3D" Graphics card. All that, and only a pitful 256 megs of RAM. My little IBM dinosaur at home has 384 megs RAM, but only because I know what the important things are. I would rate their speeds as "comparable."
I am working right now. Ostensibly, I am searching Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1075941329017603372004-02-04T18:35:00.000-06:002004-02-04T18:37:47.170-06:00I'm still recovering from my bout with "influjunctivitis" as jackie calls it. It's like the flu mixed with pink eye and smothered in special sauce. If you have a choice, don't catch it. Trust me.
I still haven't found any takers on my Taco Espresso idea. Pure genius! When will the world wake up and realize how smart I am and that it should follow my every whim? Wake me up when you have theChrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1075589318339050152004-01-31T16:48:00.000-06:002004-01-31T18:09:14.030-06:00If there's one phrase I would use to describe today, it would be "taco espresso". You see, a Taco Espresso is a coffee drink made with espresso, cream, and powdered chili peppers, served in a tortilla chip shaped like a sombrero, about the size of a shot glass. I imagine them being sold at Starbucks for about $1.50 a shot, and the commercial would go something like this:
Juan Valdez and his Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1075210080813525362004-01-27T07:28:00.000-06:002004-01-27T07:30:07.890-06:00I had a dream that I was in a play. I played a well-to-do businessman named Hiram whose fiance had decided to marry another man. I think that I was the villain in the play, and that the other man was truly in love with her and was poor, etc. Anyway, I did alright until the 8th scene, when I started forgetting my lines. At first, I started making up lines, and they were pretty funny. The Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5102381.post-1075122708438611412004-01-26T07:11:00.000-06:002004-01-26T07:13:54.403-06:00I have to get my emissions tested today. Really, I was due back in October, and my current notice expires at the end of the month. If I don't get it done by April, I lose my license. That would suck balls. Part of the reason I haven't gone yet is that I have several lights out on my car. My tail-light has been out forever. It's a genetic condition whereby any bulb I put in gets burned out Chrisnoreply@blogger.com0